The Rainbow Connection

Somewhere over the rainbow,

Skies are blue

And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.
-music- Harold Arlen
-lyrics- E.Y. Harburg



The one thing that connects us all is our unconscious. The dreams we dream as we lie asleep, on the beach, in our beds, under bridges – the visions we struggle with, and indulge in, brought about, maybe, by too much dinner, too much drink, too much stress, but all stemming from the same source. The spirit which makes us human, more than animals, less than divine, allows us to dream. To dwell in an other reality where nightmares loom, and precious fantasies are fulfilled. But, if any one knows, I do, that dreams and wishes aren’t real. Unless you make them real. I have nursed wishes like babies at my breast and been broken hearted when they didn’t come true or didn’t come true the way I thought they should have. I have , often , been wholly disappointed in dreams. They are common, like pests. An old saying, -“If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. If wishes were fishes, we’d walk on the sea.” In times when I have felt so down I forgot which way was up, I held on to dreams to get me through. But now I think it is time for new dreams. Not sleepy dreams, or “maybe one day” dreams, or “if only” dreams. But real , achievable capital “D” dreams. Dreams that I choose when I’m awake. Nothing nostalgic, or yearning, but something, paradoxical as it sounds, structured. A dream with a purpose. Over the course of my life, I have often had to make a dream for myself. I don’t know what I dreamed of doing when I was a kid. I don’t know if I forgot my dreams, or far more likely, even then, didn’t really dream at all, couldn’t see myself accomplishing much of anything. My childhood was oblivious- and not in a good way. I didn’t have a talent, or a foregone idea of where I wanted to work, or who I wanted to be. I went where I was told. I drifted. But after a year abroad, I’ve come to realize that I need to create my own dreams out of whole cloth. I need to make that list and check it twice, (but don’t call me Santa!). I need to make my life a dream I never want to wake from. In Celtic mythology, Epona is the goddess of horses and dreams. If you ask her, she will accompany your path and help you to make your dreams come true. I’ve never been the most creative person, or one who had a clearly defined path before her, but now I want to make a path for myself- a real path to happiness, however hard or long it maybe. If there is nothing I have been drawn to, then that doesn’t mean that there is nothing I can do, and especially shouldn’t do, to succeed in my own happiness. Happiness doesn’t have to be just in a dream, or over a rainbow. It can be real, true, and sustained, right here and right now. The “rainbow connection” is the journey from idea to truth, to reality- my reality. I hear the call of the future when I sleep. I can feel myself yearning, wanting my deepest desires to come true. This year I will make a new dream- I will write it down, and then …I will live it. Choose randomly, choose purposefully- but choose a dream this year. Choose it. Grasp it- follow it across a rainbow, and hang on to the tail of a star. Live your waking dream, walk your “moon-lines, your apple pathways “(Pablo Neruda). Walk into your dreams this year and never look back.





Who said that every wish, would be heard and answered

When wished on the morning star?

Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it

And look what it’s down so far

I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it

It’s something that I’m supposed to be

Somewhere we’ll find it, the Rainbow Connection,

The lovers, the dreamers and me

The Rainbow Connection- Jim Henson

Make A Joyful Noise

        Spent a bad weekend curled into a fetal ball eating pocky. That's leetle  Japanese chocolate dipped pretzel sticks for you folks not in the know. It was a rainy weekend, but that wasn't the source of my angst. I just suddenly got the feeling that nothing was quite right in the world and nothing could make it better. Not even two boxes of pocky and that usually solves everything. I had taken a walk earlier in the rain, which normally I love, but which in this instance only made me wet, and cold. I came home feeling anxious, lonely, and unaccountably tense, almost like I was having a breakdown.  Even my skin itched.
Have you ever gotten the feeling that somewhere just out of sight, behind the sets, and the bright lights that fool us into thinking we live in "reality", somewhere the real world is just falling apart? It's a consequence of being separate. Of feeling like other people aren't really real. It's that I'm the only real person in the universe, "One is the loneliest number" feeling you get when depression looms over you and you wish one person would acknowledge you.
     I think other people are better about combating this feeling than I am.  It has always seemed to me like every one else is just so happy (hawk, spit- ptooey!). And I'm not- not all the time, not exuberantly happy like some people. It quite literally makes me want to go to sleep and not wake up some days. I sometimes have the feeling that if I just went to sleep in my bed one night and didn't wake up, my body would just evaporate. And I would be okay with that.
     Feeling that disconnect is not a modern problem, but it is a growing one. It's so easy nowadays to be apart from people physically, and emotionally. Here in Japan, it's a legitimate mental illness with an "exotic" name. People who refuse to leave their homes here are called hikikomori- literally  "pulling away",  or "to be confined" (wikipedia.org). Suffering from acute social phobias, they withdraw and repel any attempt to bring them out  of their isolation.  I felt a little taste of that this weekend . It's a horrible, cramped, suffocating feeling to be cut off from the rest of the world. But I was lucky- just when I needed it, someone noticed me- I got an email, a smile from a neighbor, the rain stopped- all at once. As bad as my two days were, I can't imagine  how someone else who is struggling to live that way now, has been struggling, will still be struggling in a few years, feels. I made a choice a few years ago to do whatever it took to overcome my own depression- but for one weekend, I almost let it get the better of me. In the end, by luck, happenstance, pure coincidence- I didn't. (And those of you who know me, know I don't believe in any of those things.) It wasn't luck at all. It was love- love for myself. I didn't want to lose who I have become. Love from  my family- who sent that email just in time. Love for life- because I'm not done here yet, and I don't want to miss out on anything ever again. You don't have to believe that what I suffered was "bad"- I'm sure some people won't have anything but condemnation for someone who spent a "weekend" depressed. It was my battle- not yours. I fought it- not you. More important than your measurement of my pain, is my measurement of my success. I didn't give in , (or at least not for long). This morning I got up, and went to my job, and spoke to friends and the world didn't wobble. That's my victory. And yes, it was one weekend...after years of being numb, unable to sleep in my own bed because of panic attacks and being  unable to go to work without medication. One weekend.  I am truly more blessed than I can know or appreciate. Today I heard a song I had never heard before that said exactly what I had been feeling, and miracle of miracles, I was here to hear it.   Tomorrow, maybe I'll be able to sing a song, rusty voice and all- and be glad that I am here to sing it.  There are no coincidences. The war is never over, every battle spawns a new one. But victory can be won. Hope can live in the heart again in spite of the dark spaces. For today, I will whisper my gratitude that one weekend wasn't a year, or a decade, or a lifetime alone. Thank you to everyone who "spoke" to me then - by email, a smile, whatever.Tomorrow, I will raise my voice, or lift my pen, or write one more blog, so that someone else will be able to win their own battle. There are no coincidences- only connections, and consequences. If you have the time and the heart,  make a joyful noise today. You won't  be the only person who hears it.

"I like living. 

I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, 

racked with sorrow, 

but through it all I still know 

that just to be alive is a grand thing."

--Agatha Christie

Always Coming Home

Is your heart at home? Do you know your place in the world?
In a little over two months I will be going back home. Well, not home exactly, just back to the U.S. To what, exactly, I don't know. I really haven't missed the U.S. all that much.The things that I've been homesick for aren't really physical- although, there have been times when I would, if not kill, at least cheerfully maim someone for a Mcnugget. What I've really missed is the feeling of stability- of knowing the details of my friends lives, of feeling inconspicous in a crowd (and whoever thought I'd miss that feeling.). I miss lazy Sunday mornings in my local bookstore, and drinks with friends. I miss having a daily routine, with all the people I most care about in it. I miss the grounded feeling that home gives you- of knowing where you belong.  But the truth is, I can't go back to the home I knew as a kid. I can't go back to the house I bought and made my own. I can't go back to the town I left, because I know deep down that it won't fit me anymore. Never did I guess- or I wouldn't have left.  People's lives have gone on since I've been gone... and so has mine. Over the course of a year abroad, I've changed, and those who are nearest and dearest to me weren't there to see it. Will they welcome back the stranger in their friend's clothes?  Maybe.  Can I settle somewhere new and make a home all over again?  Of course I can. "Home is where the heart is." And at heart, I am a Southern girl- who likes magnolias, iced tea and barbeque. I like good gospel music, good greens and fried chicken. But I also like J-pop, sake and (not so much) sashimi.  I like the idea of weeks on the Riviera or quick jaunts to Brazil.  Having opened my door to the world, I'll never be able to close it again. So what is a mixed up, cosmopolitan (hah!) jet-setting girl to do? Love the one you're with. When you don't know where home is, you make it where ever you go and whoever you're with.  I've spent a year doing something I never dreamed I would. Paradoxically, I am both completely different from and more completely me than I ever have been before.  A change in locale was just a kick in the pants to begin a change in me. And I'm glad I did it. Because now I know what I want- who I want in my life, what I want my life to be, what my heart longs for. And wherever I land next, I'll take that with me. I guess  a year in the "real world" is a good idea for anyone who really wants to be able to appreciate exactly  what it means to " go home" wherever or whoever that may be. Everyone needs a home. After all "home is the place where, when you go there, they have to take you in." Robert Frost  So, I hope that all those out there who like me,  have yet to find that soft landing place they can call home, find it or make it, somewhere on that country road.








Where is home? Home is where the heart can  laughtwithout shyness. Home is where the heart's tears can dry at their own pace. 
~ Vernon Baker
  

Don't Worry, I'm A Stranger Here Myself or Down The Rabbit Hole

Listening to a little Nina Simone and trying to collect my thoughts, which like every day, have wandered like a flock of schizophrenic sheep.  A week or so ago, I was in Korea on vacation. I went thinking that it would be easy to handle - after all, I already live abroad, right? I went without knowing the itinerary, having the correct money, or speaking Korean. Sounds familiar- when did I do that recently? Oh, yeah, when I moved to Japan. It appears that some risks bear repeating.  So I went to Korea, and promptly found myself engulfed in madness, unable to communicate, at times feeling both older and more tired, and younger and more stupid than I had in - well, okay- that's how I usually feel. But usually, I have a hidey hole to escape to. This time, I was in Korea, in the middle of a market, surrounded by little old ladies with faces like wrinkled walnuts, unfortunate squids, screaming bargainers, and vendors who knew only two American phrases- "You buy?" and when I didn't want their merchandise, "Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye!"- accompanied with a shooing motion. (to be fair, I did buy a perfectly beautiful kimono- it only cost me about 20 bucks more on the market than it would have in the store. Oh well, it  was a good experience anyway.  But,) I really missed Japan. Then I got back to Japan and realized...I really miss America. Then I realized that it wasn't any place in particular I missed so much as a state of mind. Of knowing that I can communicate and be understood. And that hadn't happened in America, which was why I came to Japan....where didn't happen....again.  At some point, I realized that I was like a rat in a maze chasing it's own tail.  What I want most in the world is to  understand and be understood- by myself and others. What I'm most afraid of is that I do understand myself... and there really isn't all that much  to me, after all.   I get tired of acting old and wise, and I'm definitely tired of feeling young and stupid- but have come to the inevitable conclusion, that for most people, that is the definition of the human condition.  It's so odd the connections our minds make, how disparate thoughts come together and create our beliefs, and our personalities, and yet, how little do we understand how those neurons work. What sparks the sparks that carry the impulses and thoughts that make us, us? In the crowded spaces of my mind, I wander, picking up memories like knick knacks on the shelf of an antique store. And only occasionally do I find a mirror that shows me darkly who I am, or depending on how warped the glass is, who I could have been, still could be, could never have been, but wished desperately I was. I'm a stranger to myself and that is both frightening and strangely exhilarating. If I don't know who I am- then I can still change. I can still see myself differently. I can be free of even my own preconceived notions. If my thoughts are not in order, I can be free of them, free to think new ones. So, in a way, Korea taught me that it's okay to be a stranger, to not know the "lingo" as it were, to get caught up in the frenzy and give up any hope of understanding and to give in to feeling, to live the experience. So, thanks little old Korean ladies, (but not the one who pulled my hair).   Maybe, today, and every day,  I'll be a stranger to myself.... but instead of feeling frustrated with my unorganized thoughts, I'll spend my time getting to know myself anew all over again




            Happiness is not being pained in body or troubled in mind.
                                                                  Thomas Jefferson 

                                                         

Music of the Spheres or Songs in D(ee) Minor

Music hath  charms  to soothe a  savage breast, (and yes, that quote is right. I researched it. "head nodding emphatically"). And it must be admitted that sometimes I do feel a bit savage.  When I was a kid (waaaaay back when) the music of the time was The Mommas and The Papas, America, Abba, the Supremes, The Four Tops, Gladys Knight, and Gawd bless her, Aretha Franklin.  Then it changed, and suddenly it was BoyzIIMen and Soul II Soul (and what was up with all the II’s I don’t know), but it was music that had rhythm and soul, a little bit of romance, ( and a little more sex).  Then it changed again and it was Guns N Roses, Nirvana, Nine Inch Nails and Black Sabbath (and yes, I’m mixing genres, but don’t kill me- I’m getting ready to make a point here.)

For every memory  I have, there is a sound- a song which just hearing it, makes me remember a time, and place, sometimes even a smell that brings up memories and shocks me into realizing just how far I’ve come. But while my memories revolve around music, I still find thattoo  often I don’t dance to the beat of my own drum.  I encompass a generation of changing music and changing ideals- and I realized that most of the music I like is some of the saddest, angriest music of my generation. In musical language, I am a minor lover (not like that, perverts!)  I like songs in the minor key- think wistful, wailing, keening, songs or broad power ballads. I like Enya, Riverdance, wailing Indian sitars, Gladys and “The Midnight Train to Georgia”, and rock anthems all at the same time, because somehow they touch me. As if I’m the instrument being played by the music, some songs reach inside me and pluck a chord. But usually, not always, but usually- it’s a sad chord. I’d like to think I’m not a one note wonder, but I wonder if “Another Sad Love Song” (Toni Braxton, folks- before your time, I know) is all I’ll ever be able to play.  

So, I figured I’d try channeling a little bit of that melancholy into a love song for an lonely black girl. Writing songs, poetry, prose- anything set to music is a good way to psychoanalyze yourself. You have to force yourself to get into a rhythm and you never know what will come out of your pen or your mouth. But whatever comes, will be your song, the song of yourself (to plagiarize..ahem, [ paraphrase] Walt Whitman).
Try your hand today at writing the music of your heart. Then, more importantly, share it with someone you love. Whatever comes out, I’m sure, will be music to their ears.


So, I wrote this song on a sad, rainy day, and believe it or not, did not use a rhyming dictionary.
I just followed my thoughts, around and around and around aaaand they came out here.
Still in a minor key, but that’s where my head was at.
Imagine, if you will, Celine Dion or Sarah Mclachlan singing this timeless classic....
or just read the poem and leave it at that.
Maestro, if you please....

Time and Silence

If I loved you like the burning sun, would you run from my harsh gaze?

If I loved you like a stormy day, would you stand out in the rain?

Can I love you like an ocean wave, drowning in the undertow?

Guess I’ll love in time and silence, and I’ll never let you know



Could you love me like the starlight, bathe me in your crystal glow?

Could you love me like the desert, stretching on forever more?

Could you love like time is nothing, say your love will never die?

Will you love me like the dawning, pure and new with each sunrise?



I could say my love is perfect, but you ‘d know that that’s a lie

I could say my love is peaceful, but my heart shifts like the tide

I could wish my love were simple, but it’s willful and unclear

And though it breaks my heart to pieces, still the remnants I hold dear



If you loved me for a moment, though it’s all you had to give

I would love you for a lifetime, though your heart I’d never win



I still love you like a river, flowing to an end unknown

I still love you like a flower, like a bud that has not bloomed

I still love you like a memory, haunting wherever I go

I love you still in time and silence, and I’ll never let you know

10 Things I Hate About You or DIY: 10 Things I Love About Me

Saw a promo for a new show on the Style network- What I Hate About Me- and my first thought was, if that ain't a sure fire prescription for depression and self fulfilling prophecy, I don't know what is. Let me get this straight- the premise is people will  go on a television show to talk about what they hate about themselves? But then I thought about it- and realized that the concept isn't such a bad idea- especially once I saw the execution. Guests on this show don't just have a pity party. They're encouraged to change the things they don't like in a positive way- to make real, lasting life changes. While I'm still not sure it makes for prime time television, I do think that anything that helps you get out of a groove and into making healthy changes in your life can't be all that bad. ( and the truth is, we all like seeing someone who's a hot mess be transformed, don't we? [Ok- so we really  like seeing  the hot mess just as much as the transformation. One thing I hate about me- sometimes I can be so petty! Oh, well- something to work on.])


So let's experiment- what are the things you hate about yourself? And more importantly how can you change? And don't forget the corollary- what are the things you love about yourself? And how can you celebrate them more? 


[as always, I'll be the guinea pig-so here goes]


10 Things I Hate About Me 
(okay, it's really only 5- but, work with me here)


1. I'm really judgmental. But, I can work on being more empathic.
What I really want is for people to do the right thing. But the right thing for me is not always the right thing for others. My new bywords? Practice Tolerance.


2. I'm really self conscious. But,I can learn to speak up more. What I have to say has just as much value as what any one else has to say. And more important, only I can say what's really on my mind. 


3.I'm really stubborn about change. But, I can learn to look forward to change. Generally, it's not too bad and sometimes it's really fun. I just need to make sure I'm putting myself into positive situations- not reckless ones. 


4. I don't take great care of myself. But, I can do better- especially once I realize that my friends and family want me to be around for a long time. Taking care of myself isn't only important to me, but to them. 


5. I can be really introverted. But, I can make an effort to be more involved. Surprisingly, people actually want to see me and hear from me. I can make an effort to make more connections ( and selfishly, some connections can be really useful.)


10 Things I Love About Me
1. I'm very maternal- It makes me happy to take care of people and people appreciate being taken care of.

2. I'm really funny- even if it's only inside my own head. I can make myself laugh and that feels pretty good.

3. I'm smarter than I look- and being able to surprise people with some esoteric wisdom every now  and  again is pretty cool.

4. I may not be pretty, but I'm pretty strong- knowing that I'm strong physically and (sometimes)  mentally gives me the courage to try new things. Pretty is as pretty does- but inner strength will take you  pretty far. ( how's that for reiteration?)


5. I'm a good listener-which sometimes means I have a wet shoulder from people who need a willing ear, but it feels good to be there when people need you. 


Okay- that's just a start. I will finish the list eventually- (so smooth your feathers, those of you who don't like inconsistency). But more important- do your own list. It can be pretty revealing to see what  good things you acknowledge about yourself and what you know you need to change. Just looking inward is a good place to start- but remember not to stop there. Write the list, fix the list, then keep going till your pros outweigh  your cons. Be the best, do the best  that you can do from minute to minute- that's all that's asked.
One thing I love about you- You're the only you in the whole world. Keep on being you.

Self-love seems so often unrequited.*  

~Anthony Powell

*I heart you! 

   and me too!

My Name is Inigo Montoya. You Killed My Father. Prepare to Die or DIY:Bucket List- 5 Things To Do Before You Die

"My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." 

Come on! Is that the greatest line ever or what!? But seriously, if someone told you to prepare to die- you know, without the whole threat of immediate death- what would you do? What would you do that you haven't done till now, because "after all, tomorrow is another day!" (never did like Gone with the Wind- aaaand I can already feel the hate mail.)  What would you do if you knew exactly how many tomorrows you had left?

It's hard to think about something that concrete when for most of us, death is pretty abstract. If it hasn't happened to someone we know or love, death can feel pretty distant. Think about it- what would it take to make sure that you were completely satisfied with the life you had lived, the direction you had taken? All most people ever really want is to be happy- but since most of us don't know how to make our way to happy, we settle for being content and just gliding through life- like driving aimlessly along a country road until you crash into an embankment that says Road Ends Here. We're always surprised when it comes like death isn't an inevitability for all of us. Perhaps we're not just woefully ignorant, but willfully ignorant. We don't want to see the end coming, though it happens every day. 

If I had to say,  I think that my Bucket list would be pretty short. All I've ever really wanted was to have a meaningful job- something I was passionate about. A family that I can love and take care of. To travel and see new things. To have something of my own. Right now I'm thinking about maybe, one day, running a bookstore- having healthy, happy kids running through the aisles, along with fat happy pets, and a fat (well, not  too fat)  happy husband. To talk about books, stories, the world with the people who come in through my doors. One day. But one day is closer than it looks- one day closer to death with the things I want to achieve undone. Today is the day to dream, to plan and to execute- to get off the pot, as it were.  So here's my Bucket List- and I hope you make one too. Not only make one but achieve everything on it, and then start again. Do it all. Live it all. Just do it. 

Dee's Bucket List

1. Learn to dance-  the waltz, the tango, salsa- whatever. 

2. Go horseback riding on the beach- like on the cover of a romance-

      preferably with a guy with ripped abs in a poet shirt open to his navel. (grrrowl!)

3. Write a book- on anything. Just finish one. 

4. Travel to every continent at least once. Preferably more than once. (and buy lots of tacky souvenirs.)

5. See an opera.  (Not the Gotterdamerung- too much Wagner isn't good for you.)

6. Read my poetry on stage -without collapsing in a puddle of sweat. 

7. Adopt-even if I'm sure I'll suck as a mother (though I have a pretty good role model. Hi Mom!)

8. Sing once in public- again, without melting into a puddle of sweat.  

(I do a pretty good Tina Turner- "polite snickers in the background"-    ok, fine, maybe Nina Simone?)

9.Buy a motorcycle- or at least drive one on my own. 

10. Start my own business- and get some good advice so I don't run it into the ground. 

11. Learn to shoot a gun- and hope like hell I'll never have to use one. But at least I'll know how.

12. Fall in love at least once more- and this time really pay attention,   

 instead of just drifting around in a  rose colored fog. Those memories might be all I have one day. 

  (okay- maybe more than once- if at first you  don't succeed and all that.)

13.  Wear an itty bitsy teenie weenie bikini- but not yellow or polka dot. (Polka dots make me gag)

14. Go to a really great party- I mean a New York at midnight on New Years party,  

a Mardi Gras or Carnivale in Brazil type party- a   party and don't stop till three days later party. (and it goes without saying, be the life of the aforementioned party. Body shots anyone? )

15. Write a love letter- and get one in return. 

That's a pretty good start don't you think? Sometimes all it takes is to have a dream and  before you know it,  your dream starts coming true. I'll let you know how the list goes. Wish me luck.

“Somebody should tell us, 

right at the start of our lives, 

that we are dying.

 Then we might live life to the limit, 

every minute of every day. 

Do it! I say. 

Whatever you want to do, do it now! 

There are only so many tomorrows.”

 Pope Paul VI

Five Rules For Life or DIY: CHALLENGE!

I recently found a cool website called FiveRulesForLife.blogspot.com. The idea is that people from all walks of life post the five rules they think are most important for living a fulfilled life. You can agree or disagree with each set and there's a new set every week sent in by readers. And, of course, you can submit your own rules. Rules are posted at the discretion of the siteowner- which means if, as he says "I (we) like it." So I decided to take the challenge- and I hope you will too. If you're living a fulfilled life, and you've got some wisdom to share- or even if you don't, (who knows- you're probably way more insightful than some "wisemen")- try it out. Well then, I hereby present my

Five Rules for Life
1. Keep onnnn moving. (keep on moving, don't stop, no- Soul II Soul, folks. great song)
Despite the despair I sometimes feel, I know that as long as I keep moving physically, mentally, spiritually- I have a chance for something good to come to me... as long as I'm moving to meet it.
If I fall by the side of the road - no matter if it's a few feet or miles from my goal, then I've lost the race. I don't have many great attributes, but I know from experience that I can endure. If I just keep moving, I can win.

2."Keep Watching the Skies!" (Thing From Another World- for sci fi fans)
Keep your head up- literally and figuratively. I have found that every time I walked through life with my head down watching my feet, I have missed something beautiful and meaningful. But when I walked with my head high, even if I was depressed, even if my eyes were filled with tears (sometimes especially) -without fail, something magical would come into my sight, be it a friend, nature or simply something I had seen before and never noticed. This morning I woke up and wasn't really sure I wanted to be here. I walked to work with my head down and just as I reached the gates, I looked up and saw someone waiting for me at the gate with a smile and a hello that I knew was just for me. Sometimes I have simply looked up and seen a drop of dew in a flower, or a butterfly that shouldn't have been out in the cold and knew that I was meant to see it- that no-one else would see that same sight. Life is filled with tiny miracles and the more I see, the more there is to be seen.

3. Keep learning and wondering- the more we know the less we understand- and that's a good thing. It leaves room for Mystery (yes, with a capital M) to come back into our lives. In this day and age when we can get (mis)information in an instant,but usually can't understand all of it or even absorb it because there's so much- it's good to keep learning and to realize how much there still is to learn. Not facts but simply that the world is bigger, stranger and more wonder-full than we know and that we have not come to the edge of our world because there is still so much more beyond. Believe it or not- but Here There (still) Be Dragons.

4. Keep loving- love till it hurts-and be glad that you can feel.

 "I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, 

then there is no hurt, 

but only more love." 

Mother Teresa

Love is a many splendored thing- it can also be a right b****. And it's necessary- in whatever form you find it, or make it. Without it, like water in the desert, we dry up inside. While I've been hurt by love in the past, I have gotten better in time. Better at knowing who and how and what I love. More empathic for those who don't have it and more determined to find my own. 

5. Keep laughing- finding joy and creating joy is important in a world where it seems there is less and less. Joy should be a fountain burbling  (burbling- I like that word ;>) in all of us. Research says that laughing, smiling, even when we don't feel like it  can  help us to feel like it. Smiling in a mirror, laughing yoga (look it up- it's really interesting), the instinctive return smile of a baby to a smiling adult- we know that it works to enhance our moods and our lives. Snicker, chuckle, guffaw- what have you- just laugh, cause Lord knows, the world is inherently funny. (Just look at us!)

So there you have it- my Five Rules for Living- not the Ten Commandments or any knowledge handed down from on high- but simply my own observations when it comes to the brief moment in time we call life. Test them out or write your own and remember  that

"The golden rule is that there are no golden rules."

George Bernard Shaw

Turn on, Tune in, Drop out or DIY: Zen and the Art of Self Maintenance

It occurred to me recently..-er, um, scratch that. I've used that opening a bit much recently. How to start? Ok, how about-two monks walk into a bar...ummm, nooo. Totally un PC.  "Deep breath."
Ok-let's try this.

I don't know where my head's been at recently. I've been battered by thoughts both disturbing and enlightening and it's all because I've been thinking about my future....and my past. One of my favorite Zen sayings is

  "watching unruly thoughts come and go is the essence of meditation." 

(Have no idea who said it or if I quoted it right. Let's just go with it.)  

Well lately, unruly thoughts have been coming at  me left and right, and completely swamping me in their wake. They revolve around "where am I going?" , and "where have I been?", some "what's the point?" and lot's of "I can't handle this!!!"    And when it got to the point when I found myself thinking, "It would be so nice not to have to think sooo much" or "Sometimes I just wish I wasn't...here", I decided to step back from the edge and find a way to save myself. 

I worry about the future..a lot.  I worry about the past and the mistakes I've made. I worry that my wants are selfish, that I don't have enough ambition, that I'm not loving enough, and will never find a love of my own. I dream restless dreams and wake up tired and glum. My thoughts are a terrible, weighty burden and quite frankly, I've grown sick of them. So how to turn on, tune in and drop out?  Take a page from a Zen master (not me)- and feel the Ohm.

Rule #1- There are no rules     
(but if you insist)

1. Be still- "We cannot see our reflection in running water. It is only in still water that we can see." Being still is so hard... and so worth it. We constantly feel that we have to move at the speed the world is moving. We don't - if you stop and sit, the world will keep spinning- and believe it or not, you won't fly off. 


2. It's okay to doubt- "Where there is great doubt, there will be great awakening; small doubt, small awakening, no doubt, no awakening." It's okay to question- the world and yourself. Just don't disappoint yourself by insisting on an answer. 


3. Know what you're looking for- "Only the crystal-clear question yields a transparent answer." If your thoughts are cloudy, your life will be messy. Don't confuse the issue- I'm lonely doesn't mean you're worthless- it means you're lonely. Ask the real question and again- don't look for the world to answer.  That's your job. 


4. You have the privilege (not right- note) of  feeling bad- "Do not permit the events of your daily life to bind you, but never withdraw yourself from them." Don't fake the funk. If you feel bad, feel bad. And don't let people cheer you up if you're not ready. Don't be a secret martyr. Get it out in the open.  Then get over it- because, conversely-  you have the privilege of feeling good. (And let's face it- generally, that feels  a lot better.) 


5. You're not in charge- and that's a good thing!  -"If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are."  If you figure out your life's path in an instantaneous flash of explication (look it up) that's great. If you don't,  the planet will not explode. You'll just keep going until you do- or until you realize that sometimes it's simply enough to be on the path, never mind where the end of said path is. 


In those moments when you want to scream, to cry or to die- you have to realize that the maelstrom is not all there is. That life can be a burden, but that you can put it down sometimes and take a breath. That sometimes all there is to life is that one breath, and the next and the next. You can do it- you can breath, and walk, putting one foot in front of the other, putting all distracting thoughts aside for one moment, and in that moment lies eternity. Don't think----breath... and live. 

Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts.
 the Buddha

Presto Chango, Now You See Me, Now You Don't or DIY: Unmasking the Superhero Within

I occurred to me recently that it's not easy being green... or just being me.  Especially when I don't always know what being me means. I play so many roles- and I do mean play, because none of them really feel like they're me. They're easy masks to slip on- even when I don't want to...maybe especially when I don't want to. It's gotten to the point that I can't tell what my honest response to a situation is.  My mommy role is easy to play- I learned from the best after all! (Hi, Mom!)  It's easy to give advice, clean up after people, and when my knees are feeling stiff, it's easy to be cross with eager beavers and whippersnappers. (Don't know what those are? Then maybe I really am just that old. "Sigh")
It's easy to be a flirt, especially when I just don't care how someone will respond. (There's a lesson to be learned in that somewhere, I know.)   It's easy to be the nice friend who doesn't mind being the butt of a joke. (Wouldn't want to let the lion out of the closet and scare anyone, would we? Would we?) It's easy to be  the professional and hide behind a desk, a laptop or a cup of coffee.

It's easy to be separate- to observe through the eyes of the mask.  That's why superheroes wear them after all. It's easier to play a well defined role than to have to make decisions and react on our own or be responsible for the decisions we refuse to make.  But I'm tired of masks slipping across my face without my permission. (Sounds creepy, doesn't it?) Perhaps, the only role I'm truly fit to play is my real one- the one that is scared, and unsure, but deep inside, ambitious and dreaming. I need to know that my thoughts are my own, and aren't filtered through the eyes of whatever mask I'm wearing at that moment. I need to know that my principles, my philosophies and most deeply held beliefs aren't interchangeable-fluid maybe, but not will o' the wisps flying from here to there. I need to know that I am not a stereotype, not a silhouette, not 2-D- but a fully fleshed out, often troubled, often wicked, but sometimes strong heroine all on my own (sorta like Mae West, but, you know, not.) 
[Don't know who Mae West is? Sigh. Don't worry about it.]

I don't have to play a role-but I have often chosen to do so, simply to make life easier and less stressful, for others as well as myself. But life really isn't about easier, is it? So let's go for the gusto, and accept the challenge. Let's be who we really are- in each moment, and thought. 
I am  not a leopard- I can change my spots, spread my wings, and spread my message.  I am not a profile, a stat or a number. I can change my programming, change my voice,change my life and be my own hero with a mask or without. And even if my responses to what life throws at me next are just what those closest to me "knew" they  were going to be, at least I'll know that  this time they were authentic.

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.  ~Kurt Vonnegut

This is me in my dreams-maybe soon in reality too. Like it? 
Make your own superhero at www.heromachine.com and join the League!

Sistine by ~psalm16 on deviantART