What Is Love? Baby, Don't Hurt Me No More

So once again folks, it's time for my annual Valentine's rant- no, not quite the right word. Discussion? No. Lecture? Umm, no. How about verbal eruption? That's it! That's perfect. Now that we've got that straight,  let me preface by saying that I have no problem with the underlying idea of the holiday of St. Valentine- expressing your love and admiration for someone  with the purchase of cheap gimmickry, gew gaws and surf and turf. I quite happen to like gas station velvet roses.  But really, what I want to talk about is the kind of love celebrated on this day- romantic love, the perfect love Disney taught us to expect when walking through a forest surrounded by birds,  which some how leads one to, oh pick one: (eat food from strangers causing you to fall into a magical sleep;  pick roses from stranger's gardens resulting in your parents having to sell you into slavery; or my personal favorite, making  a wish that transforms you and leaves you feeling like you're walking on knives) whereupon a handsome stranger alike to a Ken doll arrives to rescue you  from the terrible fate your own decisions brought you to. (And yes, I know that second one was the father's fault, but really, Beauty couldn't have developed some Thatchers and run away? Really?)   And also -wait for it- is it possible that Mattel and Disney are plotting together in some massive conspiracy to control the romantic lives of American women? Huh? Um- you all already knew about that?  (Sigh, always behind the curve.) 
Well, anyway, sometimes I feel like we should celebrate all loves- not just the "pure" ideal of love, but the weird loves- like the recent guy who Facebooked me and wanted to be my friend- who happens to have a foot fetish.  (I think I need to re-do my privacy settings- there were some pretty good feet pictures in one of my albums- I could develop a cult following!) Or how about my own weird love of corsets- and yes, I know there will be two camps telling me; one, corsets are beautiful and sexy ( and I ain't talking about those pieces of Victoria's secret crap); or two, how terrible it is to want to distort my body that way- to which I respond, how long have you been a woman? ( and/or reading this blog!? All I talk about is wanting to change myself.) Or how about that new show on TLC which celebrates weird addictions like- eating soap, or the insides of sofa cushions? There's weird love for you.
Or weird love  classics- like Nabakov's Lolita- a book I read in college which steal squicks  me out to this day- how can you sympathize with a guy who's in the end, a fairly pathetic pedophile? You sympathize because the kid's a b***h who leaves him, if I recall correctly, in a roadside hotel for another man. So, he's morally disgusting- at some point haven't we all been? (And if you start that "at least I never" thing- you will be banned forthwith from the conversation- morally speaking, all sins are equal- it's just that some are worth killing for as punishment and others, your punishment is that you have to live with yourself after. The verdict is still out on who should be the judge. [ I think it should be me!])
In the end, love is just a weird thing.  A combination of chemicals in the brain? Maybe. An eternal soul connection with another? Maybe. An intense appreciation of  a personal standard of beauty-e.g. my feet? Could be. In the end, whether you're chemically imbalanced, or shot by the golden arrow of love, you've got to dance with the one who brung ya and love the one you're with- even if it is inanimate, leather, or cushiony. (Hey, some of my best dates have been with inanimate wooden blocks- nice guys, all :)


We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.  ~Author Unknown


*Join the weirdvolution!  And, Happy V-day everyone

The Color Purple or DIY: Surving the Animal Farm

Stop me  if you think that you've heard these words before...(Oh, right.  Already did that post?Well, alright then. Moving on.)  Don't know where exactly these thoughts are coming from tonight, except for the fact that the drive to work gives me lots of time to think, although what I think isn't always very rational.  Actually, I do know where tonight's thoughts came from- a discussion about tweeting..er, twitting.  Whatever the appropriate verbiage, tonight I had a conversation with friends about changing technology, and realized that I while I have always talked about "when I was a kid", that my era really is changing and I wondered whether I had the capability of keeping up.  I won't say I'm old, (unless it gives me an advantage in an argument) , but neither have I really thought about my future much because I've never seen myself as aging- not from the vanity of youth, but from just not being able to picture myself that far in the future. I don't want to sound despairing, but I don't know that I've ever been sure I would make it that far.  The arrogance of youth is to believe that we are unchanging, or failing that, that everyone else is changing for the worse, growing old and senile, no longer capable of innovation in spirit or thought.  But doesn't anyone remember that growing old is a luxury?  That once upon a time, old was living to be my age (if you know don't tell!) and not much beyond. In animal terms, I would be the stringy, cantankerous tusked female boar of the herd ( do female boars have tusks? Nevermind- just go with the analogy.)- wily, cunning, (okay- just plain too stubborn) enough not to die.  I don't know what continuing lessons growing older will teach me- I'm imagine it will teach me patience as I can't move as fast as I once did even now- (who knew I would look back on my twenties with such nostalgia ?) both physically and often I feel, mentally- but then again, I was never really the sharpest knife in the drawer.    And life itself is cutting itself into my face- those crows feet are growing longer every year-( it's like those carrion birds are having a Dance-Dance Revolution party on my face while I'm asleep every night.) But every wrinkle and scar is mine, and every laugh line too (need more of those actually.) And I'll wear them honestly, and pray that they keep on coming because after all, the alternative is worse.  And besides, they make good accessories for that purple dress I'm saving to wear when I get old...just because.

Warning:When I Am An Old Woman, I Shall Wear Purple

                 When I am an old woman I shall wear purple

With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.

And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves

And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired

And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells

And run my stick along the public railings

And make up for the sobriety of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain

And pick flowers in other people's gardens

And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat

And eat three pounds of sausages at a go

Or only bread and pickle for a week

And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry

And pay our rent and not swear in the street

And set a good example for the children.

We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?

So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised

When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Jenny Joseph

*I'm all for practicing now- any one want to join me? 

New Year, New Kid On The Block or DIY: Baby, Take All Of Me

Ok, so this wasn't exactly a New Years resolution, (because then I could have broken it, no harm , no foul- like everyone else), but I did say I was going to try to post more regularly once I got settled with the new job. And since I actually have some issues to take care of anyway, here goes. Do you ever get the feeling you're being...watched? (Good old Bugs Bunny chestnut-if you haven't heard that saying, you didn't watch enough cartoons as a child.)     So, yeah. I'm being watched- evaluated- for the first time in a while, and I find it highly disconcerting.  It's almost like being in high school again- people are trying to figure out where I fit in (which is something I never knew before and don't know now)- where I belong in the hierarchy. It's unnerving and annoying, and makes me feel a little resentful that I once again have to prove myself.  The problem is this- after a long time of working jobs where I didn't have to prove myself (not because I didn't care, but because dammit I was good at my job- though unacknowledged), I find that I want to succeed this year where I am, but I don't want to have to go through the gauntlet to do it.  Why can't we all just get along? I have spent most of my life feeling slightly autistic-never really knowing how relationships work, or being able to spot the clues that other people subconsciously can read without effort ( and for those who are feeling all butt hurt about my autistic analogy- I have taught special ed kids, and can honestly say in this day and age, were I to be tested I probably would be one, so take your offendedness elsewhere. BTW, new favorite phrase- butt hurt.)  I am tired of having to play king of the mountain or office politics when all I want to do is my job. Let me rephrase- all I want to do is live my life- if that includes doing the job well when allowed to- great, if not maybe I'll fit in if I do what everyone else does and do my job half-assedly, and just love my life outside of work.  'Cause in the end it's only money, and honey, I've always been broke.  This year all I wanted for Christmas was a job- or really, I meant a purpose. And now I've got the job, and the purpose is the same as it ever was. I want to do something meaningful- I want to find beauty in my life, I want to create a me that feels confident that if I don't know all the "rules" I don't have to- because they don't apply to me anyway.  Rules are for herd animals. Maybe this year, I will just have to be okay with being "She Who Hunts Alone." Because what I'm searching for can't be found at the office, in a clique, or a gaggle (more animal references, anyone? No? Okay, I'll stop now).  This year, I firmly resolve to look at the world and spit in it's eye. I'm not trying to get on board with everyone else- they better get on board with me. Because this year, I'm going places. Catch me if you can.

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other.
Abraham Lincoln

Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time

Just a quick note for all the readers out there in the black hole of the interwebs- Merry ChrismaHanKwanzaakah, Festival of Lights and what have you. This is a very different holiday season for me than last years. While I came home, my life wasn't here anymore and it gave the holidays a very different feel- no less nostalgic but certainly  a nostalgia seen from a different perspective. Seeing the holiday from the Japanese view point actually wasn't that startling-because truth be told much of America treats Christmas like a day of relaxed ... not morals, but attitudes as well.  And there's nothing wrong with that. I think the problem for a lot of holiday Scrooges is the insistence by so many that the holidays are supposed to bring out in us a kind of spirit that is not seen the rest of the year and for those of us who suffer from what might be a marginal form of holiday seasonal disorder, this bipolarity is grating ( as is the continual barrage of Christmas music from young children, particularly men who would have, as recently as the Renaissance, been castrated to keep those sweet voices pure. Now, doesn't that just make you want to sing Silent Night?) At any rate, the disparity between what we're told we should feel at this time of year and what we actually feel  can be dispiriting. Perhaps its time for a more realistic view of the holidays- that it isn't the only time we symbolically come home, but it is a time when we're not alone in doing so. If nothing else, it can give one that extra push to be kinder that we all know deep in our hearts we should always have. If you  need an excuse this year to try one more time to come home, this is as good as any and it doesn't take  much. The tinsel, and wrapping paper, eggnog and sweets don't have to obscure the real message- or the real objective that we're all searching for.  Tonight I stood outside in the freezing cold, and  searched the skies for a sign- a feeling that there was still something magical about the season that we all as children loved. What I saw was... a space station--floating across the sky. So much for magic reindeer. But I wasn't too disappointed. After all, I never did believe in Saint Nick. But I  realized that while I was searching the stars, the magic was already happening.  I was surrounded by darkness, but even in that night I was also surrounded by family... and the stars.  I hope you find yourself safe at home this holiday, wherever you are, surrounded by whatever gives you faith in magic again.  Happy Holidays.

"This is my wish for you: peace of mind, prosperity through the year, happiness that multiplies, health for you and yours, fun around every corner, energy to chase your dreams, joy to fill your holidays!"
--D.M. Dellinger

Stop Me If You Think That You've Heard These Words Before

So, I know I've been a little lax ab about posting, but I've been busy. No, really- I've been busy. It seems like the Fates have finally heard me (God, please don't let me jinx it!), and suddenly all the things I've been waiting for are, if not right at my fingertips, getting ready to happen and happen fast. I finally rented my house, which means soon ( within weeks, actually) I'll be moving and making some real decisions about my life plan for the next few years. I've also (ta-dah!) managed to convince someone that I am in fact a mature, responsible person who is capable of supervising others. (Yeah, I know- I can't believe they fell for it either.)  So, in this holiday season, it looks like I will be getting everything I was hoping for for the first time in a while.  Oh, and lest I forget, I also just published my first book (remember back when I told you back in October it would be finished for December? Just in time for Christmas presents? Well it's done-hint, hint.)  For the first time in a while, I'm proud of myself. I struggled through depression because I couldn't get a job, I felt like a freeloader and I wasn't sure where I could go next. Now finally, there's something concrete for me to work on, to get back into my element. I know in the past I've talked about finding your own way, and believing that it can work out for you.  But I have no problem with saying it again, because in the end, it's true.  Never have I felt so unsettled about my situation, but at the same time I knew, I had to believe- that I had the experience that someone was looking for, the attitude, the background, and more importantly, I had to believe that I had the strength to keep looking for the next opportunity, whatever it might be. I hope that despite the troubles we've all been facing this year, that you keep hope alive in the next and know, really know, that all your dreams can come true.

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. 

But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.”

P.S.  You won't have to be patient with me much longer- blog posts will be back on a regular schedule as soon as I get settled!

What Dreams May Come

Everyone knows that listening to someone else talk about their dream is soooo boring.... because yours was way more interesting and important.  So, yes, I know right off the bat you will not be able to picture whaw\t I'm going to talk about next....but I'm gonna do it anyway.  So, there's an old belief that dreaming about snakes means a woman is pregnant (no, that's not what I dreamed, sheesh!) In fact, I dreamed about being in an aquarium looking into a beautiful round window on a seascape- filled with ferns,  and tiny organisms.... and what looked like a proto-Pokemon floating in amniotic fluid.  Now, keep in mind that whatever you dream of is not literally what you're dreaming about.  So dreaming about a tiny floating creature does not (again) mean you're pregnant or want to be.  In fact, according to the Dream Dictionary, (plus, of course, my own intuition) water generally represents your unconscious and your emotional state. So to see my emotional state as beautiful and calm should be considered a good thing, right? Only, here's the tricky part-  in my dream, I came back to the exhibit again, and this time the staff wouldn't let me in. Imagine, the nerve to keep me from my own subconscious!  So naturally, I did what anyone would- I tried to sneak in.  Over and over I kept trying to find a way into the exhibit so I could see the little creature floating in space that was me- I jumped the line, I snuck into a restroom past security, I actually broke another exhibit- (whoever you were in the hall of dreams, I'm sorry!) But I couldn't get back to myself. How many times have you felt like that? I've felt at something of a plateau for a while now.  My friends either have well established lives or are starting new ones, and I'll admit- I'm a little jealous.  I know that my new life is out there- I keep getting little hints, times when good omens seem to abound- I hear news of interviews coming, and someone looks at my house.. and then they back off. I'm afraid being in stasis  much longer will kill me.  That new little life floating in space belongs to me. I just need to get my hands on it. So maybe tonight I'll try a little lucid dreaming- controlling my own conscious.  I want to walk back into that exhibit, knowing that in real life everything does take time- but that my time will come.  So I'll watch my life, that little creature in the picture window, and not let anyone keep me from it. Tonight, I'll stand in front of that little window, and watch myself float and grow in the sea of dreams.

Dreams are like stars...you may never touch them, but if you follow them they will lead you to your destiny.”

Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher or Variations on a Theme

Hi. My name is Dee and I am a Stumbleupon addict.  Lately it seems all of my posts have been inspired by sites I've found on Stumbleupon, lackadaisically web surfing (instead of putting out resumes or practicing for interviews).  Because we didn't know that the world is full of wild, wonderful, disgusting, atrocious things, we needed Stumbleupon to expose us to all the world has to offer, and give us a like or dislike button and (God have mercy) forums to interject our opinions, because the world desperately needs to know how we feel about double rainbows. (If you missed this internet phenom, you didn't miss much.) But sometimes it seems like Stumbleupon is almost like an oracular...oracle? It shows both how venomous, malicious and sometimes, startlingly awesome the world and its people are.  Case in point- I love  the websites Notalwaysright.com 
and Givesmehope.com- one of which has thousands of examples of what jackwagons people can be, especialy if you're on the wrong side of the customer service desk, while the other is examples (not many as on notalwaysright, I'm sure) of surprising, tear inducing examples of human decency.  Try an experiment- load both pages on your pc at once, and see which one you gravitate towards.  Ten'll get you fifty, it'l be the one that provides all the evidence you'll ever need that human kind's trip to hell in a handbasket will be mighty crowded.  Not only is it full of examples of flat out stupidity, but cupidity (e.g. excessive greed) - grandmother's steal from stores, people curse telemarketers (ok, so on a scale of 1-10, not a sin that will send you to the ninth level of hell, but, having been a telemarketer, I can say with sincerity- most of these people are just trying to do their jobs.... and I'm glad none of you know where I live so you can "return the favor.")  These people mock their children, throw things at cashiers, and in every way possible try to gyp the system- these are the common man. Or so you might believe if that were all you ever read.  Reading websites online has the propensity of making one cynical, because everyone can put their opinions, unedited, oh God, how they're unedited  (and no, I didn't forget my own case in point, I know), their prejudices, their ignorance online. Is this how we all really are inside?
But I didn't forget the flank of my argument.  On givesmehope.com, we find the other side of the internet- the community, the freedom to share anonymously the daily selfless, random acts of kindness and civility that allow us to continue to live on top of one another like rats in a cage.  Examples of grace under fire, of teenagers standing up to hate, of true love (however nauseating the details) overcoming time, and  other obstacles.  There are so many stories out there of people everyday doing the right thing.  Wouldn't it be nice if that were the majority of what you read on -line, instead of random drunken texts from textsfromlastnight or "humorous" cartoons on hipster hitler?  People should be more careful of what reflection they cast in the mirror, on t.v. and on-line.  The monsters we read about, are thrilled and terrified by are real.  But then again, so are the angels.  They are us. I can only continue to read, watch and stumble, horrified and fascinated by it all, and hope that in the end the angels prevail. Until then, I think I'll skip textsfromlastnight or hipster hitler for a few days, and maybe, just read givesmehope.com.  I think we all could do with a little more lohope, don't you?




I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.  ~Joseph Baretti, quoted by James Boswell, 1766, commonly misattributed to Samuel Johnson* 


  *

 * Don't hate- liberate!!  

P.S. I Love You or DIY: My Confessions

The thing about secrets is that, good or bad, they add a kind of tension to your life that can be addicting.  Some people are all about the drama, the gossip, creating secrets to keep themselves occupied. Others are completely bland--at least externally, the kind of people one couldn't imagine having secrets. But we all know still waters run deep. A secret is by its nature something that can keep people apart or hold them together, creating relationships you might never have under other circumstances. They can cause you to be, and do, and act completely out of character. How many of us have secrets from each other, about each other that'd we'd never share because having a secret gives us- even if only in our own sight, importance?  I have secrets- not always good ones, juicy ones- some that are just sad, and some that are only important to me and might not even be worth the determination I hide them with. Some of us share the same secrets- a feeling  of invisibility, or loneliness. But who wants to be told that everyone feels that way some time? Secrets are part of our identity- of who you are. But, while your secrets might identify you, they shouldn't always define you. Who you keep a secret from or share it with- what you do with it, and how you handle it tells far more about who you are as a person than you know. No matter how well you think you know someone or yourself, you can always be surprised. And that's what's surprising, sad  and sometimes lovely, about us all.

Part I of My Confessions

1. I  have never been in love with someone who was also in love with me.
2. I have been skinny diving twice... and plan to do it again, because it's one of the only times I feel happy.
3. I have never seriously considered marrying anyone, because I believe any one who would marry me would have to be crazy.
4. I have seriously considered how I would commit suicide... and decided not to only because I didn't want anyone to be bothered with my remains.
5. I often dream of drowning in the ocean- it is one of my most peaceful, recurrent dreams.
6. I am more afraid of making bad decisions in my life than I am of dying.
7. I am afraid that I am the worst person I know.
8. I  have few male friends because men scare me.
9. I love cooking because it is a way to show people I care about them.  It is also why I rarely cook good things for myself.
10.  When I am alone, I often talk to myself. I am never surprised when the voice in my head sounds different from my everyday voice. The voice in my head is way smarter than me.

Take the challenge and send a post card to PostSecret- a really great community project where people can mail in their secrets anonymously and share their secret selves with the world. Send your postcard to  the address below, then check out the website for some seriously moving confessions.



Post Secret
13345 Copper Ridge Rd
Germantown, Maryland 20874 
Postcard size requirements- 4X6 inches

Trade your secrets and become who you are.

Frank Warren- Post Secret

P.S. - one secret I'm glad to share.  I love all of you- thanks for sharing my adventure.

Average Everyday Sane Psycho Super Goddess- or DIY: I'm Gonna Pump (Clap) You Up!

I'm slamming two topics together today with my usual witty (read: haphazard) writing.  I've decided that I need to get on the bandwagon and really visualize where I want to go in the next few years. As much as I've been contemplating (read: whining) about my situation, the truth is, I really have too many options right now, not too few.  I feel in need of some clarification about what I want to accomplish, and since my Magic Eight Ball is currently out of commission, it's up to me to make some choices despite feeling like I'm floundering in the dark. So, two things to accomplish today; look back at what I've already accomplished and decide what I want to accomplish next.  Earlier this year I did a Bucket List  of things I wanted to do before I die. While I've been busy bemoaning my current state, it occurred to me (after talking to my friends and family, all of whom said "get over yourself"- thanks for the support, guys!) that I really was doing okay in my life. I had accomplished things on my list and not even acknowledged them, even though they were kindof a big deal.

Let's look at the list-

Dee's Bucket List

1. Learn to dance-  the waltz, the tango, salsa- whatever.  

Check- I actually can do the waltz, and got a chance to dance in a little bar in Nagasaki City for my half-birthday. (Don't ask)

2. Go horseback riding on the beach- like on the cover of a romance-

      preferably with a guy with ripped abs in a poet shirt open to his navel. (grrrowl!)

3. Write a book- on anything. Just finish one.   

Check- I have written the book, it's currently in revisions, and hopefully will be available soon. 

4. Travel to every continent at least once. Preferably more than once. (and buy lots of tacky souvenirs.)

5. See an opera.  (Not the Gotterdamerung- too much Wagner isn't good for you.)

6. Read my poetry on stage -without collapsing in a puddle of sweat. 

Check- have already done this, didn't collapse, and might do it again soon. 

7. Adopt-even if I'm sure I'll suck as a mother (though I have a pretty good role model. Hi Mom!)

8. Sing once in public- again, without melting into a puddle of sweat.  

(I do a pretty good Tina Turner- "polite snickers in the background"-    ok, fine, maybe Nina Simone?)

Check- did this too- again in  a little bar on an island off the coast of Nagasaki. Tune? "Knocking on Heaven's Door"- --gospel style!

9.Buy a motorcycle- or at least drive one on my own. 

10. Start my own business- and get some good advice so I don't run it into the ground. 

11. Learn to shoot a gun- and hope like hell I'll never have to use one. But at least I'll know how.

12. Fall in love at least once more- and this time really pay attention,   

 instead of just drifting around in a  rose colored fog. Those memories might be all I have one day. 

  (okay- maybe more than once- if at first you  don't succeed and all that.)

Ummm- still working on it.

13.  Wear an itty bitsy teenie weenie bikini- but not yellow or polka dot. (Polka dots make me gag)

14. Go to a really great party- I mean a New York at midnight on New Years party,  

a Mardi Gras or Carnivale in Brazil type party- a   party and don't stop till three days later party. (and it goes without saying, be the life of the aforementioned party. Body shots anyone? )

15. Write a love letter- and get one in return.  

Check and check...Ok,  I still haven't gotten one in return, but it's a start, right?

Ok, so currently I'm five for fifteen- not so bad when you think about it.  So okay, some of the things on my list were a little...out there. But thinking about those things happening in my life makes me happy. So if you're gonna go, go big, even if your dream seems a little insane. Right now, I just have to decide what to do in my new year, which starts.....right now.  I'm gonna put together a vision board (yes, I did see this on Oprah and it worked!)  and will my life into shape. Last year my vision board had these main things on it- fall in love, write more than I had in years, start a cool new job, get in shape, and go to Japan.  Curiously, every one of these things happened, although not the way I had expected. I did fall in love, I have been writing more (helloo? blog?), I did find a cool new job,  and it  just happened to be in ...wait for it...Japan!  I don't know about you but I believe!  (oooooh- in scary voice).  So this years challenge?  

1. Publish the first (of many) books- before Christmas.(Plug- Black Girl At Large the book will be available online before Christmas...as soon as I finish the editing!) 

2. Make a decision about my next relocation- current top runners- Texas, Kentucky, Mephis, Tennessee, Kentucky, or Europe- send your vote if you like and reasons why would be good too!

3. Decide- business or culinary school- and don't vote for culinary school if all you want is free cake.

4. New relationship or adoption- or both? I'm not gettin' any younger or less selfish. That might be a hard one. 

Maybe when I get the new vision board done I'll post a picture, or you can send me one if you'd like that I can  add to the montage. It's time for me to get this thing we call life, off the ground.  At the risk of sounding a little crazy, it really comes down to a choice of which makes more sense- being stable or being happy? Before, one move, one vision, changed my life. Admittedly,right now everything's a little topsy turvy- but if I had to do it all again...I'd do it all again. So send me your votes for where to go next.  My vote is the same as always- if there's a choice between being stable and unhappy, and insane and joyful- I'll go for insanity.  Care to join me? 

For me, insanity is super sanity. The normal is psychotic. 

Normal means lack of imagination, lack of creativity.
Jean Dubuffet 

God Bless The Child That's Got His Own

I didn't know how good I had it. Two months ago, I lived in a fairly nice apartment, I had enough money to send some home every month, my rent was about 150 dollars (yes, really!) and I had a Japanese car that I  bought when I arrived for about 5,000 yen (around 500 US dollars.)  Then I moved home.  Suddenly, I feel like I'm paying to breathe, let alone move. The times, they a'changed while I was gone.  Everyone knows that the recession is over (no, really it is!)  But hard times are still around- it's just that those of us who maybe hadn't suffered before, now are- and we aren't doing it in silence. Forget the vast majority who has always had it hard. This is about us. (Please God, don't let someone completely ignore the obvious sarcasm and take this quote out of context. Then again, mid-term elections are coming and politicians are everywhere. It's their job to take things out of context.) At any rate,  I'm incredibly fortunate that I came home to a family who were willing to house and feed me with no qualms while I try to find my place in the new America. On the other hand, when I left, I had my own house, car, no student loans, and a job that gave me a structured life  and enabled me to hold conversations with other adults.  Despite the love, I kinda feel sometimes like I'm on house arrest. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers. And I am currently a beggar. It's amazing how I got used to not having cable, walking everywhere and not buying clothes, books, Starbucks coffee (but I did live for weekends in Nagasaki City, which had the closest Starbucks to my island...and a mall! So it took a two hour ferry ride to get there- it was a mall!) Now I'm home with, still, no job, although there are finally some prospects (wish me luck!).  This morning I lived the definition of irony... or is it paradox?  While looking online for coupons to go shopping, I was simultaneously checking my stocks.  I own a part of a company, and I'm still looking for coupons for Gain laundry detergent, because every penny counts.  BTW, those stocks? Worth about 400 bucks- maybe more if Microsoft's new phone  lifts the company's sales out of the doldrums. Yeah, I own Microsoft, baby. At least a couple of shares. It's incredible that that things that were once worth so much are now not even worth the paper they're printed on.  My house, which I bought as a young teacher, is and will be worth only as much as the market downturn. It seems to be stable now but ... My 401k- let's not go there.  It depresses me.  My bank account? Enough for now, thanks to a southern coogking mom who always happens to have "a little too much." But it certainly feels like I'm not where I wanted to be at this point in my life. I'm 33 years old and living at home, hoping like millions of other Americans that this interview or the next will be the one. I'm hoping that the next stage in my life is going to be what I've been looking for- productive, creative, and satisfying, filled with love and a little more certainty about what "it'" is all about. I want to feel like an adult again, fulfilling my goals and (love you Mom!)  living in my own space again! I'm so fortunate that I don't have the burdens that so many others are bravely carrying.  But Lord, what I wouldn't give to be able to walk in my own home in my undies again. (sorry, TMI) To have my own car, a job I love, time to spend with friends,  money to spend on foolishness, and to save. It's all coming, I know.  And I can wait. I'm blessed. To all those who are working to the same goal, I wish you good fortune and good (job) hunting.  After living in another country, I still truly believe that America is one of the greatest nations in the world. And we will lift ourselves out of our troubles again by depending on each other and working as we've always worked, for a brighter future for all.  We, (I) will rely on the great inner strength that we all have, and while I can't guarantee a chicken in every pot, I can guarantee that those who work to the best of their ability will always get it (what they want, not a chicken) in the end.

It is not wealth one asks for, 

but just enough to preserve one's dignity, 

to work unhampered, to be generous, 

frank and independent.*

W. Somerset Maugham

*Actually, I want the wealth too, but this will do.  Does that make me a bad person? :>