Sunday, January 16, 2011

New Year, New Kid On The Block or DIY: Baby, Take All Of Me

Ok, so this wasn't exactly a New Years resolution, (because then I could have broken it, no harm , no foul- like everyone else), but I did say I was going to try to post more regularly once I got settled with the new job. And since I actually have some issues to take care of anyway, here goes. Do you ever get the feeling you're being...watched? (Good old Bugs Bunny chestnut-if you haven't heard that saying, you didn't watch enough cartoons as a child.)     So, yeah. I'm being watched- evaluated- for the first time in a while, and I find it highly disconcerting.  It's almost like being in high school again- people are trying to figure out where I fit in (which is something I never knew before and don't know now)- where I belong in the hierarchy. It's unnerving and annoying, and makes me feel a little resentful that I once again have to prove myself.  The problem is this- after a long time of working jobs where I didn't have to prove myself (not because I didn't care, but because dammit I was good at my job- though unacknowledged), I find that I want to succeed this year where I am, but I don't want to have to go through the gauntlet to do it.  Why can't we all just get along? I have spent most of my life feeling slightly autistic-never really knowing how relationships work, or being able to spot the clues that other people subconsciously can read without effort ( and for those who are feeling all butt hurt about my autistic analogy- I have taught special ed kids, and can honestly say in this day and age, were I to be tested I probably would be one, so take your offendedness elsewhere. BTW, new favorite phrase- butt hurt.)  I am tired of having to play king of the mountain or office politics when all I want to do is my job. Let me rephrase- all I want to do is live my life- if that includes doing the job well when allowed to- great, if not maybe I'll fit in if I do what everyone else does and do my job half-assedly, and just love my life outside of work.  'Cause in the end it's only money, and honey, I've always been broke.  This year all I wanted for Christmas was a job- or really, I meant a purpose. And now I've got the job, and the purpose is the same as it ever was. I want to do something meaningful- I want to find beauty in my life, I want to create a me that feels confident that if I don't know all the "rules" I don't have to- because they don't apply to me anyway.  Rules are for herd animals. Maybe this year, I will just have to be okay with being "She Who Hunts Alone." Because what I'm searching for can't be found at the office, in a clique, or a gaggle (more animal references, anyone? No? Okay, I'll stop now).  This year, I firmly resolve to look at the world and spit in it's eye. I'm not trying to get on board with everyone else- they better get on board with me. Because this year, I'm going places. Catch me if you can.

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other.
Abraham Lincoln


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