Saturday, March 30, 2013

Break On Through To The Other Side

Ok, so this week has been a kick in the teeth, but it's prompting me to write which is ..good? Or, let's be real- it's prompting me to rant, which as all of you know, I'm really good at and really enjoy. But this rant is a little different. I mean we all "enjoy" ups and downs in life.  But my personal issues, and maybe yours too, can really make something that is, in the grand scheme of things a little issue seem like the universe is trying to hand you a beat down.  I acknowledge that I have issues.  I've talked about them before, and laid out straight how close to the edge, the end of my rope, I've come.  And writing in this format has always been a form of therapy for me, aside from the actual therapy i've taken in the past (and will probably take again and need for the rest of my life. )  But recently nothing has been able to really help me settle my soul.  I've been moody at home, straight up giddy and dizzy at work,feeling unprofessional, manic, anxious and depressed, considered taking (prescribed) drugs, and bought some herbal remedies (soon to be delivered), taking a chance on anything that will help me feel the way I want to feel...happy.  But the thing is, I don't have a good track record of being happy, and like most people when I am happy, I do something to sabotage it.  It's a vicious cycle and one I don't know how to break.  I have good reason to be happy in my life right now- I have a good life,  a purpose and a love that I did nothing to deserve. I know it- but I can't always appreciate it, and that's hurtful- to me and the people involved in my life who want me to be happy and don't understand why I can't and they can't make it so.  Depression, anxiety, panic are real and as substantial to people who don't feel them, as ghosts. And how do you fight a ghost? Well, I'm starting with talking (who knew that was coming? :)  Talking here, and talking to everyone who cares enough to listen, because the first thing you need, that everyone needs is to be acknowledged. Then I'll work on understanding and changing, what is is that's happening to me. Because knowledge is power and knowing is half the battle (G.I. Joe!) And then I'll work on accepting that whatever I've been diagnosed with, my diagnosis is not me.  There are people out there who love ME, and really wish I would come home to myself.  So, I'll work to get there, for them and for me- because I can't wait to get to happy .. and stay there.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013


Ok, so I'm gonna completely ignore the fact that I haven't written in this blog for a year and a half.  Things were happening, my life was changing, blah, blah, blah.  Things are still happening, and my life is still changing, so I've decided to get off my ass and get back to writing something, anything really at this point.  But where to start? In my car, as usual.  It's a great place to think, albeit I should be concentrating on driving,. But usually I don't and I have conversations in my head instead.  In this case it seemed apropos that I was driving and thinking about back roads- the secret ways we take to get where we're going everyday.  I live in a different place than I did a year ago, literally and figuratively, and getting where I need to go takes a lot longer,  literally and figuratively,but the rewards have definitely been worth it.  I have new people in my life, a new job (really the same old job from the last time I wrote, but with more responsibility) and a new happiness that I couldn't have seen coming when I started writing this blog as a Misery Molly way back in Japan.  I can't believe it's been so long since I've been home from there and can't believe I'm back here when I thought I'd never return. Back in the city of my birth, traveling roads I traveled as a kid, doing a (higher level) of a job I've done before. I read once in a book that Gypsies believe you should never walk backwards in your own footsteps- that it's unlucky to re-trace your steps, and undo the path you've started on.  I was determined not to go home again after living abroad, not to have a normal life that as I saw it was just a rut... but there's a certain necessity in circling back again- maybe not circling this time, so much as ascending in a spiral.  The place where I was emotionally awhile back isn't where I am now, even if my physical location is the same. And I'm more grateful for that than words can say.  And now I'm even back to this blog, a literal archive of those times, and it's so interesting how I can see myself getting better, and getting ready for what was coming.  It's weird that I thought no one would read this blog anymore if I wasn't a Sad Sally anymore...And I didn't want to be that anymore so I stopped writing.  I should have been thinking, if they stuck around the first time, they deserve to see the happy ending.  So, hopefully, from now on, that's what I'm gonna write.  About how I changed, am still changing, am still circling  and spiraling around and ascending. There's beauty in the path that brought me here, and though I might have wanted to take someone else's journey, it was  and is , right that I travel on my own, travel my own backroads  and be open to new travels with fair winds and open roads before me. If you're still out there, you're welcome, again, to join me on the journey. 
“One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.” – Henry Miller


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