Saturday, March 30, 2013

Break On Through To The Other Side

Ok, so this week has been a kick in the teeth, but it's prompting me to write which is ..good? Or, let's be real- it's prompting me to rant, which as all of you know, I'm really good at and really enjoy. But this rant is a little different. I mean we all "enjoy" ups and downs in life.  But my personal issues, and maybe yours too, can really make something that is, in the grand scheme of things a little issue seem like the universe is trying to hand you a beat down.  I acknowledge that I have issues.  I've talked about them before, and laid out straight how close to the edge, the end of my rope, I've come.  And writing in this format has always been a form of therapy for me, aside from the actual therapy i've taken in the past (and will probably take again and need for the rest of my life. )  But recently nothing has been able to really help me settle my soul.  I've been moody at home, straight up giddy and dizzy at work,feeling unprofessional, manic, anxious and depressed, considered taking (prescribed) drugs, and bought some herbal remedies (soon to be delivered), taking a chance on anything that will help me feel the way I want to feel...happy.  But the thing is, I don't have a good track record of being happy, and like most people when I am happy, I do something to sabotage it.  It's a vicious cycle and one I don't know how to break.  I have good reason to be happy in my life right now- I have a good life,  a purpose and a love that I did nothing to deserve. I know it- but I can't always appreciate it, and that's hurtful- to me and the people involved in my life who want me to be happy and don't understand why I can't and they can't make it so.  Depression, anxiety, panic are real and as substantial to people who don't feel them, as ghosts. And how do you fight a ghost? Well, I'm starting with talking (who knew that was coming? :)  Talking here, and talking to everyone who cares enough to listen, because the first thing you need, that everyone needs is to be acknowledged. Then I'll work on understanding and changing, what is is that's happening to me. Because knowledge is power and knowing is half the battle (G.I. Joe!) And then I'll work on accepting that whatever I've been diagnosed with, my diagnosis is not me.  There are people out there who love ME, and really wish I would come home to myself.  So, I'll work to get there, for them and for me- because I can't wait to get to happy .. and stay there.


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