Okay, so first let me say mea culpa, mea culpa- which for you Phillistines means "I suck"- it can also be translated as "My bad, yo!" I promised to write after we reached 2,000 visitors to the site (Yeaah boyy!)...but then I didn't. So, mea culpa. I have, I am bemused to say, been busy- beyond my wildest dreams. First I needed a job, then I got the job, now I am the job's b****. My hours have been crazy, the people surreal (not my staff- they're cool... and remind to tell you in a bit how
I got a
staff.) And I've been loving all of it when I haven't been feeling like I need to go howl on the mountain. ( Yeah, I know- no mountains here-sigh.) I am really feeling challenged here for the first time in a while- there are constantly programs to plan, schedules to do, staff to oversee (Yessuh,
Boss!) and what I love and have missed the most- kids to interact with. My job is to help people read (a
nd use the internet, copy, do research, volunteer, and occasionally teach parents how to be better parents-an awesome gift and responsibility.) And I'm loving it, except when I'm so tired I can't breathe, have
anxiety attacks, and feel the need to drink. (
But more than half the bottle of vodka remains in the fridge-go me! okay, maybe a little less than half.) Playing the role of adult, consultant, expert is really, really hard. And I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, for someone to realize that I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and boot me out the door- kind of like when I first started teaching. Everyday I waited for someone to realize I had no experience and ask why the heck they had hired me? I endured long hours, and training, and seminars trying to make myself a better teacher- trying to be what the job needed me to be. And I'm still doing it- training and all, seminars, trying to be a leader to a staff I wasn't supposed to have (my manager got promoted, y'all- yay for her! Oh sh*t! for me)- Suddenly I have a staff, a department and I'm interviewing another employee this week. I hate that kind of stuff. I'm used to being in the background and I'm okay with that. All I jwanted was to do puppet shows for kids! And tell them to read Susan Cooper books-(great books about wizards before Harry Potter was a brain storm in Rowling's head. Before the death threats come,
I love Harry too, but the series is over! Live with it!)
Suddenly, I'm responsible,
again, for something bigger than myself- to people other than myself- not my bosses-- but my kids. I get to be a teacher, without a lot of the limitations teachers have. But with freedom comes responsibility. If I want to create great programs for tweens, teenagers and kids and infuse them with a passion for reading, I have to make schedules. I have to plan, and program, and beg for funds. I have to act like a clown for little kids, and figure out how to make books cool for older kids and do it all on a budget of hundreds of dollars-like 200 dollars, folks. That's just enough to pay for program materials and bookmarks and suckers for after. I have to be a politician again, and position myself on committees, when I'd rather just talk to kids about books. Having a purpose again is so hard..but meaningful. I don't want to be in the limelight, be a boss, be
the Man...I really don't- but if it lets me inspire one more kid to read, I guess I'll learn if not to like it, at least to hack it with the best of them.
Put your heart, mind, intellect and soul even to your smallest acts.
This is the secret of success. ~Swami Sivananda
*Again, sorry for the late posts. I'll do better, but don't try to guilt trip me- you're still not the boss of me!
okay-maybe a little :)
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