I cannot think of the last time I spoke honestly to someone in my life and it was well received. White lies, (pink lies, multicolored lies) are the balm that allows our perverted society to work, sluggishly , but it does work. But I would dearly love to not speak, and still be understood. It is my dearest wish- to be understood by those I love and to still be loved, when they have understood me completely- every selfish, judgemental thought, every unkind (to myself and others) expression. At times when I am in utter despair, and don't know who I am, I have (Bible Belt child that I am) a deep seated need to pray. And not the prayers I mentioned above. I pray with all of me, soundlessly, that the yearning I feel and cannot express, will be felt somewhere...out there. And usually, I am answered. Today I am yearning again- and so I am offering a prayer- not for an answer to my question. Those are my own to solve. But that I will be looked on with compassion as I struggle to find those answers. I will not speak my prayer- to speak is powerful, to bring ideas into reality. And I am not ready to speak my future, yet. It still needs to be visualized, perfected, imagined in all its details. But when it is ready, when I am ready, I will pray- one brief Om to the Great I Am. And it will happen. No discussion-only actualization. The Bible says when you pray- go into your room, and shut the door. (Matthew 6:6) No audience necessary- and no histrionics in front of a congregation, family or friends. There need be no witness to prayer. Only a need for prayer ..or meditation...or mantra. (And yes, i used all those words on purpose. Another problem with words- we get stuck on definitions instead of on truth, But that's a rant for another day.)
A brief digression- there is an African story of a hunter who found a talking skull, and immediately told his king. When the king demanded proof, the hunter returned to the skull with the king's hunters following behind. He begged the skull to speak again, but when it did not, the guards killed him. Later, he asked the other skull, what had brought him to that place. The first skull replied, "I was the king's brother, who told him when he was doing wrong. I guess I said to too much, too often. So just like you, talking brought me here."
I won't say don't try to communicate- after all talking is one of the things we do most (note- not best) kinda like building. (Comes of having those opposable digits- and look what we've done with them.) But take a lesson from a talking skull- sometimes the best thing you can say...is nothing. Talking is just words- in the end only action (and a prayer or two) can make you who you want to be. And if you simply must speak- and we all feel we must- speak honestly, simply, and lovingly. (and if you need to tell that white lie- tell it. Kindness wins over honesty, every time.) And when words simply won't do...pray. Whether you speak your truth or merely (merely!) live it, someone out there is watching. Live truthfully, pray honestly (and silently), love endlessly. Ohm.
“Prayer is not asking.
It is a longing of the soul.
It is daily admission of one's weakness.
It is better in prayer to have a heart without words
than words without a heart.”