If a person who indulges in gluttony is a glutton,
and a person who commits a felony is a felon,
then God is an iron." Spider Robinson
Throughout my time writing this blog, I have been in turn, depressed, excited, lovelorn, sarcastic, punny and witty (at least in my own estimation. You can keep your estimations to yourselves.) It is supremely ironic that this journal has turned me into what I once most wanted to be and most feared- a writer. A writer who must write- because, damn your eyes, you people keep reading! And... you know.... it feels kinda cool to have an audience. For most of my life I have felt like I didn't have a voice- or at least not one that anyone wanted to listen to. In fact, I often literally, (though subconsciously), lowered my voice in conversation to the point that people usually told me to speak up-which because I'm shy and stubborn, didn't work. It must be confessed though, that sometimes, I didn't really have anything to say. Or at least what I wanted to say wasn't something I could say in words. I still have dreams where my mouth is full of tuna fish, or oatmeal, whatever the dream demands- and yes, I know the symbolism there, folks. I wanted to say something important. I wanted to say something that would force the world to pay attention to me, even though I didn't know if I was ready for that attention. I was young and stupid, and while I am now old (sometimes still stupid, but ok with it), in age I have discovered that, there is indeed, wisdom or at least irony.
The things I have to say in this blog have already been said by countless others more worldly and wise than me- Khalil Gibran, Gandhi, Matt Groening- (Hey, I think the Simpsons is full of timeless wisdom! If you don't, get your own blog!), but they have never been said by me. And if I have learned one thing in writing, it is that my own understanding and experience is ...my own. While you can learn at the feet of the masters, at some point you have to get on your own feet and really experience life. When I couldn't speak, it was because I didn't have anything to say. Now that I can, I have a whole (virtual) world to speak to. I'm living a new life here abroad, but more important is that I'm living life- mentally, physically, and spiritually. In a lot of ways, I was oblivious before. I drifted through life, through relationships, through the years, and I was never happy about where I was going, but I never chose my own direction. There is a saying that even a bad decision is better than indecision. At some point in my life, I decided to choose something different- and I can't tell if it will be for better or worse, but at least I've found a direction, a North Star if you will, to follow. It's not that I'm now happy every day, but....it comes more often than it used to. I speak more forcefully than I used to, assured that I have something worth saying. I think just as deeply as I used to, but I also act more spontaneously. I am not afraid (or at least, less afraid) to give myself over to things I can't control. I am less afraid to love, knowing that even if that love is not returned, it does not mean my efforts were wasted. I have learned to be just so- a steady point in a gyrating world, without losing my direction or focus. I have learned to write just so- a single voice in a babble, speaking a truth, my truth, if not The Truth. I have learned that irony can be a good substitute for wisdom- which I sometimes pretend to have, but which I am, just like you, still acquiring. One thing about both irony and wisdom, is that they require a sense of humor. But that, like love; like time, we have in abundance. I hope I will continue to grow in all those things, and that you'll continue to come along with me on the ride. So, thanks for putting up with the snark and giving me a place to write and someone to write to. Oh, and a brief shout out to God, who gave me my troubled years just to see what I'd get up to. God's got a great sense of humor and the joke's been good so far. Can't wait to see the punchline to my life!
Irony is wasted on the stupid*
*No, that doesn't mean you. You're brilliant- I mean, you read this blog right? ;>