"I know I am deathless. No doubt I have died myself ten thousand times before. I laugh at what you call dissolution, and I know the amplitude of time." —Walt Whitman
Someone told me recently that they thought I must be an old soul - which flabbergasted me, since I’ve always felt like a new soul, albeit one that is sometimes incredibly tired. If the purpose of life is to live, and to learn, to grow in wisdom in each phase of our lives, then I am forced to believe that this is my first turn on the wheel, since life continues to awe and terrify me with its constant changes. I constantly feel like I don’t understand what is going on, and I can only hope, pitifully, that life will be kind to me as I learn and stumble on the way. And for the most part, it has. I have learned lessons that have broken other people’s hearts, but I’m still here. I have learned both how insignificant I can feel, and how powerful my connections with other people are. I am amazed that people from my past remember me completely differently than I remember being, and that people in my present see me more positively than I can understand. I know I’m f*cked up- so it constantly amazes me that people want to know me. (And yes, I know that ‘s a self esteem problem. Come on, anyone who writes to the world about their private life knows they have a self esteem problem. My only consolation is that mine seems to at least be amusing you folks. And, this is cheaper than therapy.)
Some days I believe in reincarnation- if only because I cannot believe that this is my only chance to make a big impression on the cosmos – and I’m well aware of how perilously close I come most of the time to blowing it. I want to live an inspiring life, if only to me, but I sometimes get the impression that in this life at least, my job is more to observe than to participate, as it were. If you believe in reincarnation, or past lives or anything like that- you’ll know that there are lots of theories about our roles in life. Each experience is meant to teach us something new about ourselves. For women, we play the usual three roles- maiden, mother, crone, or sometimes warrior, matron, wise woman. Or sometimes, lover, martyr, goddess. ( Sorry guys, I don’t know anything for you! Future research perhaps? Ehh, never mind. Let’s get back to me.)
I sometimes feel I’m in my martyr stage- feeling sacrificed on an altar –to what I don’t know. I can’t help but feel estranged from the rest of humanity, who is constantly bustling, boiling over with emotion, falling in love, falling out of love, hating, being passionate- and I just don’t understand you. I watch, and observe, and sometimes offer “wisdom”- but I never quite feel that I feel what the rest of the world feels. (Too many feels? I don’t know- can you say it any better?)
What I want is to evolve into my lover stage, or goddess stage- to feel passionate about something, or someone, to feel powerful, to feel connected. It is a powerful thing to love others, but let’s face it- it is also a powerful feeling to have others reach out to you, to acknowledge you, to want you, to love you. (Anyone a Grey’s Anatomy fan- “Choose me, love me!” Oh, well. ) It’s a feeling I think a lot of women (people) have- and if there is anything useful I’ve learned from this particular phase of my existence , it is that wanting to be loved is universal. Being loved is not. And people are willing to do an awful lot of stupid, and dangerous things to be loved. After watching people for so long, I think that I may finally be learning the lessons I was meant to. It may be that I’m almost ready to be loved the way I want to, and deserve to be, having watched other’s mistakes and having made my own. Maybe I can finally stop being a martyr, stop feeling attacked, and insignificant and begin to feel loved. Instead of waiting for the wheel to turn, maybe I’ll spin it myself. Maybe I’ll get off the wheel entirely...and go for a journey all on my own. New soul or old, as far as I know, I’ve only got this one chance. I think it’s time I make the most of it. If you want to feel passion, you have to be passionate. If you want to feel loved, you have to love. If you want to be exciting, you have to be excited. I can see this. Now I just have to apply it. To everything, there is a season. It’s time for me to step into mine. Maybe I’ll see you next lifetime-wiser, a lot more loving, and ready for the next phase.
"The soul is born old but grows young- that is the comedy of life."